#11- Relationships

So...I was so excited about #12 that I skipped right past #11-Relationships.

Many of the items on this list have already touched on the important relationships in my life:

I wanted to lose weight because of my relationship with my family.  I joined weight watchers with my mom and it has really encouraged a new-found health and balance in the lives of my family.

I wanted to lose weight because of my relationship with Ryan.  I had started to feel so bad about myself (my appearance, my weight, my lack of self-control) that it was effecting my marriage.  Losing weight and exercising gave me a new-found sense of accomplishment and empowerment.

I wanted to lose weight because I wanted to be a good and healthy role model for my students.  I was never an athlete, but I wanted to show my students that they can still live healthy, active lives even after high school sports end.  Or, if they are music geeks like me, they can still find ways to exercise that are fun for them.  So, I tell my students that I go to the gym; that I go to Jazzercise and Zumba and Bodystep.  I never had a role model telling me that it was good to exercise!

When I was overweight, every relationship I had was negatively effected because of how bad I felt about myself. I joined weight watchers because I wanted to have positive relationships with those I cared about.

#12- Food

Wow.  Where to begin about food?

Well, one of the reasons I joined weight watchers was because I had an unhealthy relationship with food.  I LOVED food.  I loved everything about how good it felt to bite into that delicious bit of something you've been craving (like anything with the name "Reese's" on it, especially those yummy little Christmas trees...mmmm....).  I loved the smells, tastes and textures of food. 

While I loved food, I was not in control of it; food controlled me in a very significant way.  I was always thinking about food (Taco Bell).  I would obsess over certain foods (double decker taco supreme) and if I didn't get what I wanted (nacho cheese chalupa), I would fall apart (throw a fit like a toddler).  If I had the opportunity to eat something that I loved, eating just a little of it and REALLY enjoying it was not an option.  I would often get stuck in a food-guilt catch-22: I would realize I was overeating, but then I would feel bad, so I'd eat some more.  I had a lot of "trigger foods", or foods that once I ate them, I couldn't stop, like pasta and bread, anything cheesy, fried or fattening, candy, chocolate, peanut butter, chocolate AND peanut butter...you get the idea.  In fact, I think most of what I ate were "trigger foods", which made almost all of my food habits unhealthy.  Looking back, I ate a lot of empty calories, so I barely ever felt full or satisfied (physically or emotionally) by what I was eating. 

I ate through every emotion...sadness, loneliness, anger, happiness.  You name it, I would eat because of it.  I came to a point, right before I joined weight watchers that I wasn't even really enjoying my food anymore because I felt so out of control and so bad about how much I would eat.  I didn't want to have a complicated, love/hate relationship with food anymore.  It was so draining, and I was tired of it.

A big part of what I have learned through weight watchers is how to still enjoy food without overdoing it.  Still eating my favorite foods, but planning to balance those times out with healthy foods and exercise has been really life changing.  My life had no balance before weight watchers. Learning this balance, although a very difficult change, has been empowering.  I learned, through using the points and pointplus system how to balance out the good foods and the foods that are indulgences.  I still slip up...like, all the time, but I am continuing to learn and trying not to be so hard on myself for my mistakes.  I know now that if someone suggests we order Chinese food, I just have to say, "I'm sorry, I really try not to eat Chinese food (because I will end up face down in a bucket of sweet and sour chicken)."  I try to always be ready with a list of suggestions of where to eat/what to eat that will be helpful to me.  Asking for help and learning to control my environment have been two important elements I have learned from weight watchers.

Jillian Michaels said, "Old habits die hard...but they do die."  I am still working out my old habits and working in new ones.  When I feel discouraged, Ryan often reminds me to look back one year and think about how much I have improved and changed.  I think food will always be a struggle, but I am looking forward to rebuilding a healthier relationship with it, one choice at a time.

#9 Clothes & #10- Bathing Suit

Looking back on my list, reasons 9 and 10 feel a little frivolous now, but I recognize that the things that seem silly today were pretty devastating a year and a half ago...

#9- Clothes
I had avoided shopping for a long time because I felt like it was impossible to find clothes that fit me properly.  I got so tired of putting on clothes and feeling like nothing looked right.  Two summers ago, I needed an outfit for a job interview, so my mom took me shopping.  I had in my mind that I wanted a dressy suit, but none of them fit well.  I can't tell you how many outfits I tried on that day!  It was horrible.  When I had to pull size 12s and even a size 14 off the rack, it felt like a smack in the face.  I had been getting pretty snug in my size 10s but had made myself believe it wasn't that bad.  So, we bought the size 14 pants, but I knew I had to do something about my weight.

 #10- Bathing Suit-
Around the same time as the "pants fiasco", Ryan and I were planning to attend a pool party.  I needed a new bathing suit because, in disgust, I had thrown out all of my two piece suits from my honeymoon, resigning to the thought that I would never fit in them again.  So,  Ryan was sweet enough to go shopping with me and we found what I thought was a very cute black and white polka dot tankini.  The bottom looked like a little skirt and covered up everything that needed to be covered.  We got to the party and I was feeling OK about my new bathing suit, until an older, heavy woman came into the pool...she had the EXACT same style of bathing suit on as I did.  I felt so embarrassed, I just wanted to disappear. I was only 23 years old and I was wearing an "old lady" bathing suit.  A few weeks later, I made the choice to join weight watchers.

I was never one of those girls that was super stylish or into fashion.  Even though I spent most of my teenage years in jeans, moccasins and weird T-shirts from Goodwill, I do like clothes and how good it feels to wear a new outfit.  I had gone a long time without feeling good in my clothes because I was just trying to cover everything up!  It felt really good when I was able to buy jeans that were a size 8!  The day I bought a size 6 felt even better.  Not just because it was a smaller size, but because I knew all of the ridiculously hard work I had put into fitting into that size 6.  It's not really about the bathing suit, or the clothing, but I joined weight watchers, in part, because I was tired of those bad feelings.  I wanted to try on clothes and have it be fun again...and it is!

#8- Ryan

May 2011

Our Wedding Day- 01.04.08

To say that Ryan has been supportive during the 14 months of this weight watchers journey (and before that) would be an incredible understatement.  Ryan has always been my advocate, even when I was at my heaviest.  I felt so bad about myself that I had a difficult time believing Ryan when he would tell me how beautiful I was, but he never stopped telling me.  I knew that my weight gain was negatively affecting how I felt about myself, and therefore, negatively affecting my marriage.  Ryan and I committed from the time we were engaged that we would always be willing to do the work of making our marriage strong.  I knew that getting healthy was part of the work that I had to do. 

So, when I wanted to join weight watchers, Ryan supported me.  Not only did Ryan help me make changes in my life, but he made those changes with me.  Ryan ate the same foods I did, joined the gym with me and even lost weight along the way as well. When I would have a victory on the scale, Ryan celebrated with me.  If I was having a difficult week, Ryan would remind me that it was about changing our lives and becoming healthy people, not about the numbers on the scale.  Ryan listens when I tell him what I learn about food or about myself from weight watchers meetings, he listens and responds when I ask him for help to meet my goals.  When I tell him that I am having "food issues" that day, he is sensitive and helpful.  Ryan never judged me for gaining weight, or for how difficult it has been for me to lose the weight, and he doesn't judge me now when I am struggling to maintain my goal weight.  I know that Ryan makes a deliberate effort to help, support and encourage me through this process and everything I go through.  Thank you, Ryan, for going on this journey with me and being so fantastic! 

#7- My Family

Writing about my family is something I have been a little hesitant about, as it is a deeply personal topic.  I love my family and have received an outpouring of encouragement and support from both my immediate and extended family regarding my weight loss.  I certainly don't want the relaying of my feelings in this, or any post, to be confused with placing blame.  With that said...

My earliest memory of hearing about weight loss was when I was about 9 years old...all of my aunts and my mom got into a circle, held hands and said, "Ten pounds by Christmas!"  As a young child, I was very confused, so I asked, "What does that mean?" It was explained to me that they were all committing to lose ten pounds by Christmas (I think this happened around Halloween).  I had never thought about losing weight.  I wondered why all my aunts and my mom would want to lose weight.  I never thought that they should look any different, I thought they were beautiful.  This was the first time I realized that the most influential women in my life were unhappy with their bodies, which led me to reason that I should be unhappy with mine.

I spent the rest of my adolescence quietly struggling with body issues (or at least I think it was quietly, maybe it was obvious, who knows...).  I never wanted my family to know how unhappy I was with my weight or my body because I didn't want to disappoint them.  I was continuously unhappy with myself until I joined weight watchers.  So, from age 9 to 24, I was fraught with anxiety about my body, my weight and my appearance.  That's a long time...

Choosing to join weight watchers was not really a singular decision.  It was a commitment to attend weekly meetings, track food, think about what I was putting in my mouth and why.  This led to the choice of joining a gym, a very expensive monthly commitment to physical activity.  I knew that losing weight was going to take up a lot of my time, my energy and my money.  I think the reality of all the sacrifices it takes is what keeps people from losing weight.  There were so many excuses that I had to not lose weight- we didn't have the money to buy healthy foods, or to pay for a program like weight watchers, or a gym membership; I didn't have the time to go to a meeting every week or go to the gym, I had never been athletic, I couldn't do it.

Facing those excuses and realizing that I didn't want them to keep me from my goals any longer was an important step towards success.  Finding support to keep me striving for my goals, even when it got difficult, was another.  This is where my mom came in...

My family at our wedding in January 2008

Family portrait on my parents' 40th anniversary- May 2011

My mom and I have a very close relationship.  I call her often and confide in her, I know she (and my dad) loves me.  Plus, she laughs at my jokes, which is the key to success in all my relationships :).  After thinking about weight watchers and seeing commercials that joining was free, I called my mom.  She had been thinking about joining too.  When I asked her to join with me, because I was scared to do it alone, she said "yes", and it changed our lives.  Mom and I not only made choices that changed us for the better, but we had the opportunity to see my dad and my husband, Ryan, lose weight and begin to make smarter choices along the way as well!  A few of my extended family members re-joined weight watchers when my mom and I started.  There were many positive effects in our family.

Having learned so much about myself and about how to manage a "livable" healthy, active lifestyle through this journey, I look forward to getting to teach my future family these lessons.  I hope that my children will find a healthy lifestyle to be second nature because they will watch Ryan and I make good choices and have balance. 

Honestly, I am also scared.  I'm terrified that someday, maybe after having children, I will find refuge in sweet and sour chicken and ice cream, or take solace in easy foods, fast foods, take out and excuses to not exercise.  The idea that all the work I have done could slip away so easily often feels like it is sitting on my shoulder.  So, with the help of my family, I will continue to take this new life one day and one choice at a time.  Hopefully, our family will continue to reap the rewards.

#6- For my students

One year ago, on September 7, 2010, I joined weight watchers.  That same day was also my first day at a new school, teaching music to students in grades 6-12.  I had been a substitute teacher for a year and a half.  While I valued that time because I learned a lot, my heart was aching for a school "home".  Going to the same building every day, at the same time, teaching the same students...I longed for stability.

When I received a job offer, I was ecstatic! I had been waiting for a full time position for so long, and I was thankful to be able to plan for what the next year would hold.  I began thinking about the person I wanted to start this new school year as.  I had a rare chance at a clean slate. 

I wondered about the students I would be teaching.  What would they be like?  Would they like me?  Would they like music?  How would they react to the changes I might make? 

I knew I wanted to be a person in their lives that they could respect; I wanted to be a good role model for them.  I knew that I couldn't continue to live my life as an inactive, heavy person.  I wanted to be a healthy, active, positive example for my students.

So, before I had even met them, I knew I had to change if I was going to be the person I wanted to be for my students.  September 7, 2010 was the beginning of that change. 

Over one year later, I look back, and I am so glad that I made that choice.  I can move the piano in my classroom around, I can run back and forth between the stage at school and my office, I can go up and down the stairs as many times as I need to in a day to track down students for lessons.  I am not hindered by my activity level.  I have the energy I need for my students because I am a healthier person.  I am constantly striving to maintain and improve my weight loss journey as well my abilities and strategies as a teacher.  My students were a driving motivation to make positive change in my life. 

#5- Health

The realization that I was not as healthy as I wanted to be came as I was walking into "real life".  Ryan and I had our first career-type-jobs after college, we had health insurance, a mortgage, a car payment.  We were investing in our future together and I wanted to enjoy that future.  I didn't like when I looked down the road and saw myself overweight.   Looking ahead to the possibility of starting a family changed my mindset.

I started paying attention to other women when I was out, looking at the moms with their kids.  I started to notice that most of those moms, were either super fit, or pretty overweight.  There wasn't a lot of in between.  One day, I thought, "Well, if I weigh 158 pounds now, and I gain 50 pounds when I'm pregnant...OH NO!"  I realized that there was a good chance I would tip the scales at over 200 pounds if I got pregnant!  (This was another one of those, "I have to do something about this" moments.)  Ryan and I had some time before we wanted to start a family, and I had to get healthy before we did.  The idea of a child being completely dependent on how I cared for myself in order for them to exist was a ridiculously scary responsibility.

Now that I am healthier, I am enjoying life more.  Ryan and I are having a lot of fun with it being "just us" for now.  We go to the gym, we walk downtown, we go to movies and have at least one official date every week.  I see a lot of families at the gym and I think, "that's what I want."  I want to raise a healthy, active family.  To be a good example, I had to get healthy first, and it feels awesome.

#4- Happiness

Hey Everyone!  Thanks for checking out my blog today...this is a special post because (drum roll, please...) I completed 6 weeks of maintenance last night and I am now a LIFETIME member of weight watchers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAY!!

This was, of course, a very exciting achievement! Now, I have to stay within TWO pounds of my goal weight...that's a pretty slim margin (ha-ha), but I feel confident that I can do it :).  I'm going to continue to attend meetings with my mom and weigh in each week to keep myself accountable.  Plus, my meetings are FREE now (unless I go over 2 lbs.)!  I'm psyched all around...This is definitely not the end, but a new part of my journey that I'm sure I'll continue to tell you all about!

Moving right along...Reason #4- Happiness

I joined weight watchers because I wanted to be HAPPY!  I had felt discouraged and out of control for over a year.  I was tired of feeling that way, I missed being happy.  There were definitely other factors that contributed to some feelings of sadness that year, but I was feeling like I lost control of my mind and my body.  Food controlled me, I obsessed over it- constantly thinking of what I could eat, how much of it I could have, when I could get it.  If I didn't get what I wanted, I threw a temper tantrum (I may have made a scene in a McDonald's when they stopped serving breakfast earlier than I anticipated.  I really wanted that McGriddle...).

I definitely still struggle with "food issues" (I had a french fry related incident recently), but I have tried to turn those difficulties into strategy, like having a mental plan for what I'm going to eat or sharing food with someone and putting my portion on a separate plate.  At the heart of these issues and strategies lies the desire for control, which, I'm realizing, is a deep issue for me. 

Joining weight watchers meant having to give up some of what I thought was control in my life, like "getting" to eat whatever I wanted.  It also meant having to gain, or learn, self-control.  I think every weight watchers member simultaneously looks forward to and dreads the moment when we look at a cookie and then walk away from it, instead of devouring it instantly.  After the initial shock of such an event, the self-control feels pretty good.  I had to determine that I am worth being in control of what I put in my mouth, rather than food ruling me.  Gaining back some of the control in my life, remembering that I CAN do anything I put my mind to, and seeing the positive effects of changes I've made is certainly a good, and a happy feeling.

#3- Energy

Carrying around 158 pounds on a 5' 3" frame made me feel exhausted.  I was tired- all.the.time.  I got so tired of never feeling like I had enough energy to do anything, well...except eat (surprise, surprise!).  I was tired of looking overweight, but I was definitely tired of feeling overweight.  Not only was I physically fatigued, but I was on an emotional roller coaster ride every day.  I chalked up my frenzied emotions to work, hormones, having a dramatic personality, whatever...but at the end of every day, I felt overwhelmingly worn out.

I knew that if I made healthy choices, I would have more energy.  We all KNOW these things...eat less, move more, lose weight; but if the choice was between extra energy or cheesecake, well...we know who won that battle. 

When I joined Weight Watchers, I definitely went in with the hope that I could lose the weight by changing my diet only, without having to exercise.  I even lost the first 10% of my weight without exercising.  The night I hit my 10%, I rewarded myself by purchasing the Weight Watchers "Punch" DVD.  I did that DVD a few times a week until my cousin invited me to Jazzercise with her.  My first Jazzercise class was difficult.  I kept feeling lost, like I couldn't keep up with the moves, I was beet-red, super sweaty and I was probably the youngest person in that class.  I was 24 years old and I couldn't even keep up with the elderly Jazzercisers!  That was not who I wanted to be.  Long story short: Ryan and I joined the gym and have been members of Universal Athletic Club for almost one year.  I often go to group fitness classes and have found them to be the type of exercise I enjoy the most.

I still feel tired, almost every day, actually.  But it's not the same exhaustion that I used to feel.  Teaching music to kids in grades 6-12 is an incredibly rewarding, but demanding job.  So, some days I still do go home and lay on the couch.  I find that if I plan to stay at school a little later and then go straight to the gym, there's a better chance that I'll make it.  Once I'm home and I hit that couch, GAME OVER.  I'm done for the day.  So I try to make exercise a part of my schedule.  The fact that the classes I like are only offered at certain days and times puts a little more pressure on me to make it there.  I need the structure. 

As I have made the transition from a sedentary to an active lifestyle, I definitely feel the difference.  I feel better when I get to the gym than when I go home and crash on the couch for the night.  I realized that both can be just as important, sometimes you need a nap!  I have to be flexible with my exercise schedule because life happens and changes from week to week; but, overall, I feel happier and more energized when I have a regular exercise routine.  What's your exercise strategy?

#2- Self-respect

 Hand-in-hand with the waning of my confidence came a slow decline in self-respect.  I kept thinking "How did you let yourself get this way?"  One day, I caught a glimpse of myself in our bedroom mirror and had to look twice.  I thought, "Who put me in a fat suit?!"  I barely recognized myself.  This was the moment I realized I had to make a change.

The more I thought about my options and eventually, weight watchers, the more I hoped that I really could change. I hoped that there was a future different than my present.  I came through the door to weight watchers because I felt I owed it to myself.  I had to start respecting myself enough to acknowledge that I needed help to make the changes I wanted to make.

Even after making these changes I still struggle with self-respect.  If I have a bad week, when I overindulge, or when I don't make it to the gym, I am really hard on myself.  I tend to lose perspective on how far I have come.  So, this is an area I continue to work through, but I have definitely felt improvement from where I started.  I do respect myself for all the changes I have made and for taking that first step into a weight watchers meeting.  As my  leader, Yvonne, often says, "No one comes skipping through the doors saying, 'Yay! I get to join weight watchers!'"  Taking that first step is scary.  Acknowledging the not-so-good choices I had been making and then doing something about it required swallowing my pride.  Don't worry, my pride didn't hurt for long; because I dusted off my self-respect in that meeting room...and we're making a come back.

25 Reasons

Last week my weight watchers leader challenged our meeting group to create a list of 25 reasons why we "came through the door" to weight watchers or things that we were hoping to achieve by joining (in addition to, or in conjunction with, losing weight).  25 seemed like an awfully high number, but once I spent some time thinking it over, 25 came pretty easily.  So, over the next few days/weeks/months/however long it takes me, I will be posting this list.


#1- Confidence.

 

  After gaining 28 pounds in 3 years I had lost my confidence.  In high school, I participated in musical theater and school plays.  Right after high school and throughout college I was a tour guide in Hershey, PA.  These tours were a really fun acting, singing, chocolate eating extravaganza through Hershey.  Singing, dancing and acting in front of all those people required a lot of self-confidence.  While I wouldn't say I was brimming with hubris, I definitely wasn't a wall flower...but as I gained weight, I slowly began to retreat into myself.  I told myself that it was just because I was getting older and with maturity came a lifestyle that was more calm.  It was really easy to convince myself that shrinking into the background, covering up my body with large clothes, and trying not to be noticed was just part of "growing up".

Getting ready for a Trolley Tour

My friend, Tia, and I as the Jester and Minstrel in our high school production of "Once Upon a Mattress"

I can honestly say that after a year of attending weight watchers meetings, learning how to exercise in ways that I enjoy and watching the weight come off over time, I feel more like my "on stage" self; the girl who wasn't so afraid of what people thought.

Shameless Self-Promotion

It's been a while since my last/only post because not only have we been wrapping up the summer, and starting the school year, but I have been struggling with the whole idea of blogging.  "Then why did you start a blog?" you may ask.  Well...that's a good question!  I suppose I was looking for an outlet to record all of my weight loss struggles and victories, and the various processes that I have as a result of continuing to work out my "food" issues, as well as a place to express what's going on in my life.  Not to mention that my husband, Ryan, is quite the blogger, and he has spent the last year developing his blog and is getting ready to launch a new website, so stay tuned for that...but I thought if I started a blog then we would have one more area to connect on and enjoy together.  Cause, what can I say...I love this guy!

But I think the main reason that I have been struggling is because I can't get away from the feeling that blogging is basically shameless self-promotion.  "Gee, my thoughts and ideas are so brilliant and important that I should put them out there for everyone to read!"  Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike being the center of attention...I quite like it most of the time...but over the last year, my life has become a bit more quiet, maybe because of the business of it, but I feel like I spend the bulk of my time alone or in situations that feel sort of lonely, and striving to get home so I can just sit down and be still.

However, this past week a very wise friend suggested that writers should write for themselves, not others.  I know I was worried that people might perceive my blog as being self-centered, so I avoided writing.  I also was avoiding the blog because I have been seriously struggling with a gain of 6 pounds and the efforts of taking that weight off again.  I don't feel like I should get to write if I am "failing".

But I know that every.single.person who has been on a weight loss "journey" has experienced relapses and failures.  So, I am going to make an effort to write for me, let you in on my life if you're interested, and if not...that's cool too. 

Finally, a word on self-promotion/centeredness from my fav comedian, Mr. Brian Reagan:

Feeding the Hunger, NOT the Hurt

I have to begin by admitting that I am crazy-super-behind-the-times here because I just finished watching Super Size Me.  When this film first came out, I was interested, but not enough to ever sit down and watch it...probably because I knew it would make me feel bad about eating fast food, and man....did I ever LOVE fast food!  This is a lady who took part in a torrid love affair with Taco Bell since age 12...

In Super Size Me, Morgan Spurlock ate 3 meals a day from McDonald's for 30 days.  Spurlock, who ultimately gained 25 pounds in addition to all other sorts of yucky side effects, discussed that many of us respond to food like an addict would to his or her drug of choice.  We are addicted to food.  I know I certainly was (and I still struggle)!  Why are we addicted to food?  How could this happen?  Because eating it makes us FEEL good, in the moment, at least.

One of the many great things I have learned from joining weight watchers is to stop and think about WHY I am putting something in my mouth.  It seems like common sense, but for people who are addicted to food, this is a difficult issue to tackle.

My grandmother passed away several weeks ago and between the trips to go see her during her last days and the traveling and business associated with the traveling to her viewing and funeral, we had a lot of excuses to eat crappy food.  When I really thought about it, my family and I were all going to dinner and indulging because we were trying to feed, and thereby, alleviate, our hurt. We were not eating because we were hungry, we were eating because we were hurting.

Most of us have grown up in situations where food is ever-present.  It's your birthday? FOOD.  Someone died? FOOD.  New job/promotion?  FOOD.  Catching up with friends? FOOD.  Something good happens?  FOOD.  Something bad happens?  FOOD.  The list could literally go on and on.  I know for me it was Chinese food and Taco Bell.  If I had a bad day, the sweet, sweet comfort of a nacho cheese chalupa and a double decker taco supreme were in order!  If I managed to make it through the work week, I rewarded myself with sweet and sour chicken, fried rice, lo mein, an egg roll, and crab rangoons....mmmmm....crab rangoons.....

All this time, I thought I was comforting and rewarding myself with these foods...when in reality, I was slowly building habits that caused me to gain 30 pounds!  The hardest part about emotional eating is that it's so much like sin... I do something wrong (taco bell) because it feels good, but then I feel guilty, so to make myself feel better I go back to that sin (King Buffet), which only further perpetuates this endless cycle of pleasure and guilt.  Do you have trigger foods like these?  Every time my weight watchers leader would ask the question, "What brought you through that door to weight watchers?", I would lean over to my mom and whisper "sweet and sour chicken!"


Re-learning how to take care of and nourish my body in the middle of a culture filled with fast, easy, cheap and delicious food options is difficult!  But I am slowly learning to pay attention to feeding my hunger, and not my hurt...