#7- My Family

Writing about my family is something I have been a little hesitant about, as it is a deeply personal topic.  I love my family and have received an outpouring of encouragement and support from both my immediate and extended family regarding my weight loss.  I certainly don't want the relaying of my feelings in this, or any post, to be confused with placing blame.  With that said...

My earliest memory of hearing about weight loss was when I was about 9 years old...all of my aunts and my mom got into a circle, held hands and said, "Ten pounds by Christmas!"  As a young child, I was very confused, so I asked, "What does that mean?" It was explained to me that they were all committing to lose ten pounds by Christmas (I think this happened around Halloween).  I had never thought about losing weight.  I wondered why all my aunts and my mom would want to lose weight.  I never thought that they should look any different, I thought they were beautiful.  This was the first time I realized that the most influential women in my life were unhappy with their bodies, which led me to reason that I should be unhappy with mine.

I spent the rest of my adolescence quietly struggling with body issues (or at least I think it was quietly, maybe it was obvious, who knows...).  I never wanted my family to know how unhappy I was with my weight or my body because I didn't want to disappoint them.  I was continuously unhappy with myself until I joined weight watchers.  So, from age 9 to 24, I was fraught with anxiety about my body, my weight and my appearance.  That's a long time...

Choosing to join weight watchers was not really a singular decision.  It was a commitment to attend weekly meetings, track food, think about what I was putting in my mouth and why.  This led to the choice of joining a gym, a very expensive monthly commitment to physical activity.  I knew that losing weight was going to take up a lot of my time, my energy and my money.  I think the reality of all the sacrifices it takes is what keeps people from losing weight.  There were so many excuses that I had to not lose weight- we didn't have the money to buy healthy foods, or to pay for a program like weight watchers, or a gym membership; I didn't have the time to go to a meeting every week or go to the gym, I had never been athletic, I couldn't do it.

Facing those excuses and realizing that I didn't want them to keep me from my goals any longer was an important step towards success.  Finding support to keep me striving for my goals, even when it got difficult, was another.  This is where my mom came in...

My family at our wedding in January 2008

Family portrait on my parents' 40th anniversary- May 2011

My mom and I have a very close relationship.  I call her often and confide in her, I know she (and my dad) loves me.  Plus, she laughs at my jokes, which is the key to success in all my relationships :).  After thinking about weight watchers and seeing commercials that joining was free, I called my mom.  She had been thinking about joining too.  When I asked her to join with me, because I was scared to do it alone, she said "yes", and it changed our lives.  Mom and I not only made choices that changed us for the better, but we had the opportunity to see my dad and my husband, Ryan, lose weight and begin to make smarter choices along the way as well!  A few of my extended family members re-joined weight watchers when my mom and I started.  There were many positive effects in our family.

Having learned so much about myself and about how to manage a "livable" healthy, active lifestyle through this journey, I look forward to getting to teach my future family these lessons.  I hope that my children will find a healthy lifestyle to be second nature because they will watch Ryan and I make good choices and have balance. 

Honestly, I am also scared.  I'm terrified that someday, maybe after having children, I will find refuge in sweet and sour chicken and ice cream, or take solace in easy foods, fast foods, take out and excuses to not exercise.  The idea that all the work I have done could slip away so easily often feels like it is sitting on my shoulder.  So, with the help of my family, I will continue to take this new life one day and one choice at a time.  Hopefully, our family will continue to reap the rewards.

#6- For my students

One year ago, on September 7, 2010, I joined weight watchers.  That same day was also my first day at a new school, teaching music to students in grades 6-12.  I had been a substitute teacher for a year and a half.  While I valued that time because I learned a lot, my heart was aching for a school "home".  Going to the same building every day, at the same time, teaching the same students...I longed for stability.

When I received a job offer, I was ecstatic! I had been waiting for a full time position for so long, and I was thankful to be able to plan for what the next year would hold.  I began thinking about the person I wanted to start this new school year as.  I had a rare chance at a clean slate. 

I wondered about the students I would be teaching.  What would they be like?  Would they like me?  Would they like music?  How would they react to the changes I might make? 

I knew I wanted to be a person in their lives that they could respect; I wanted to be a good role model for them.  I knew that I couldn't continue to live my life as an inactive, heavy person.  I wanted to be a healthy, active, positive example for my students.

So, before I had even met them, I knew I had to change if I was going to be the person I wanted to be for my students.  September 7, 2010 was the beginning of that change. 

Over one year later, I look back, and I am so glad that I made that choice.  I can move the piano in my classroom around, I can run back and forth between the stage at school and my office, I can go up and down the stairs as many times as I need to in a day to track down students for lessons.  I am not hindered by my activity level.  I have the energy I need for my students because I am a healthier person.  I am constantly striving to maintain and improve my weight loss journey as well my abilities and strategies as a teacher.  My students were a driving motivation to make positive change in my life. 

#5- Health

The realization that I was not as healthy as I wanted to be came as I was walking into "real life".  Ryan and I had our first career-type-jobs after college, we had health insurance, a mortgage, a car payment.  We were investing in our future together and I wanted to enjoy that future.  I didn't like when I looked down the road and saw myself overweight.   Looking ahead to the possibility of starting a family changed my mindset.

I started paying attention to other women when I was out, looking at the moms with their kids.  I started to notice that most of those moms, were either super fit, or pretty overweight.  There wasn't a lot of in between.  One day, I thought, "Well, if I weigh 158 pounds now, and I gain 50 pounds when I'm pregnant...OH NO!"  I realized that there was a good chance I would tip the scales at over 200 pounds if I got pregnant!  (This was another one of those, "I have to do something about this" moments.)  Ryan and I had some time before we wanted to start a family, and I had to get healthy before we did.  The idea of a child being completely dependent on how I cared for myself in order for them to exist was a ridiculously scary responsibility.

Now that I am healthier, I am enjoying life more.  Ryan and I are having a lot of fun with it being "just us" for now.  We go to the gym, we walk downtown, we go to movies and have at least one official date every week.  I see a lot of families at the gym and I think, "that's what I want."  I want to raise a healthy, active family.  To be a good example, I had to get healthy first, and it feels awesome.

#4- Happiness

Hey Everyone!  Thanks for checking out my blog today...this is a special post because (drum roll, please...) I completed 6 weeks of maintenance last night and I am now a LIFETIME member of weight watchers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAY!!

This was, of course, a very exciting achievement! Now, I have to stay within TWO pounds of my goal weight...that's a pretty slim margin (ha-ha), but I feel confident that I can do it :).  I'm going to continue to attend meetings with my mom and weigh in each week to keep myself accountable.  Plus, my meetings are FREE now (unless I go over 2 lbs.)!  I'm psyched all around...This is definitely not the end, but a new part of my journey that I'm sure I'll continue to tell you all about!

Moving right along...Reason #4- Happiness

I joined weight watchers because I wanted to be HAPPY!  I had felt discouraged and out of control for over a year.  I was tired of feeling that way, I missed being happy.  There were definitely other factors that contributed to some feelings of sadness that year, but I was feeling like I lost control of my mind and my body.  Food controlled me, I obsessed over it- constantly thinking of what I could eat, how much of it I could have, when I could get it.  If I didn't get what I wanted, I threw a temper tantrum (I may have made a scene in a McDonald's when they stopped serving breakfast earlier than I anticipated.  I really wanted that McGriddle...).

I definitely still struggle with "food issues" (I had a french fry related incident recently), but I have tried to turn those difficulties into strategy, like having a mental plan for what I'm going to eat or sharing food with someone and putting my portion on a separate plate.  At the heart of these issues and strategies lies the desire for control, which, I'm realizing, is a deep issue for me. 

Joining weight watchers meant having to give up some of what I thought was control in my life, like "getting" to eat whatever I wanted.  It also meant having to gain, or learn, self-control.  I think every weight watchers member simultaneously looks forward to and dreads the moment when we look at a cookie and then walk away from it, instead of devouring it instantly.  After the initial shock of such an event, the self-control feels pretty good.  I had to determine that I am worth being in control of what I put in my mouth, rather than food ruling me.  Gaining back some of the control in my life, remembering that I CAN do anything I put my mind to, and seeing the positive effects of changes I've made is certainly a good, and a happy feeling.

#3- Energy

Carrying around 158 pounds on a 5' 3" frame made me feel exhausted.  I was tired- all.the.time.  I got so tired of never feeling like I had enough energy to do anything, well...except eat (surprise, surprise!).  I was tired of looking overweight, but I was definitely tired of feeling overweight.  Not only was I physically fatigued, but I was on an emotional roller coaster ride every day.  I chalked up my frenzied emotions to work, hormones, having a dramatic personality, whatever...but at the end of every day, I felt overwhelmingly worn out.

I knew that if I made healthy choices, I would have more energy.  We all KNOW these things...eat less, move more, lose weight; but if the choice was between extra energy or cheesecake, well...we know who won that battle. 

When I joined Weight Watchers, I definitely went in with the hope that I could lose the weight by changing my diet only, without having to exercise.  I even lost the first 10% of my weight without exercising.  The night I hit my 10%, I rewarded myself by purchasing the Weight Watchers "Punch" DVD.  I did that DVD a few times a week until my cousin invited me to Jazzercise with her.  My first Jazzercise class was difficult.  I kept feeling lost, like I couldn't keep up with the moves, I was beet-red, super sweaty and I was probably the youngest person in that class.  I was 24 years old and I couldn't even keep up with the elderly Jazzercisers!  That was not who I wanted to be.  Long story short: Ryan and I joined the gym and have been members of Universal Athletic Club for almost one year.  I often go to group fitness classes and have found them to be the type of exercise I enjoy the most.

I still feel tired, almost every day, actually.  But it's not the same exhaustion that I used to feel.  Teaching music to kids in grades 6-12 is an incredibly rewarding, but demanding job.  So, some days I still do go home and lay on the couch.  I find that if I plan to stay at school a little later and then go straight to the gym, there's a better chance that I'll make it.  Once I'm home and I hit that couch, GAME OVER.  I'm done for the day.  So I try to make exercise a part of my schedule.  The fact that the classes I like are only offered at certain days and times puts a little more pressure on me to make it there.  I need the structure. 

As I have made the transition from a sedentary to an active lifestyle, I definitely feel the difference.  I feel better when I get to the gym than when I go home and crash on the couch for the night.  I realized that both can be just as important, sometimes you need a nap!  I have to be flexible with my exercise schedule because life happens and changes from week to week; but, overall, I feel happier and more energized when I have a regular exercise routine.  What's your exercise strategy?

#2- Self-respect

 Hand-in-hand with the waning of my confidence came a slow decline in self-respect.  I kept thinking "How did you let yourself get this way?"  One day, I caught a glimpse of myself in our bedroom mirror and had to look twice.  I thought, "Who put me in a fat suit?!"  I barely recognized myself.  This was the moment I realized I had to make a change.

The more I thought about my options and eventually, weight watchers, the more I hoped that I really could change. I hoped that there was a future different than my present.  I came through the door to weight watchers because I felt I owed it to myself.  I had to start respecting myself enough to acknowledge that I needed help to make the changes I wanted to make.

Even after making these changes I still struggle with self-respect.  If I have a bad week, when I overindulge, or when I don't make it to the gym, I am really hard on myself.  I tend to lose perspective on how far I have come.  So, this is an area I continue to work through, but I have definitely felt improvement from where I started.  I do respect myself for all the changes I have made and for taking that first step into a weight watchers meeting.  As my  leader, Yvonne, often says, "No one comes skipping through the doors saying, 'Yay! I get to join weight watchers!'"  Taking that first step is scary.  Acknowledging the not-so-good choices I had been making and then doing something about it required swallowing my pride.  Don't worry, my pride didn't hurt for long; because I dusted off my self-respect in that meeting room...and we're making a come back.

25 Reasons

Last week my weight watchers leader challenged our meeting group to create a list of 25 reasons why we "came through the door" to weight watchers or things that we were hoping to achieve by joining (in addition to, or in conjunction with, losing weight).  25 seemed like an awfully high number, but once I spent some time thinking it over, 25 came pretty easily.  So, over the next few days/weeks/months/however long it takes me, I will be posting this list.


#1- Confidence.

 

  After gaining 28 pounds in 3 years I had lost my confidence.  In high school, I participated in musical theater and school plays.  Right after high school and throughout college I was a tour guide in Hershey, PA.  These tours were a really fun acting, singing, chocolate eating extravaganza through Hershey.  Singing, dancing and acting in front of all those people required a lot of self-confidence.  While I wouldn't say I was brimming with hubris, I definitely wasn't a wall flower...but as I gained weight, I slowly began to retreat into myself.  I told myself that it was just because I was getting older and with maturity came a lifestyle that was more calm.  It was really easy to convince myself that shrinking into the background, covering up my body with large clothes, and trying not to be noticed was just part of "growing up".

Getting ready for a Trolley Tour

My friend, Tia, and I as the Jester and Minstrel in our high school production of "Once Upon a Mattress"

I can honestly say that after a year of attending weight watchers meetings, learning how to exercise in ways that I enjoy and watching the weight come off over time, I feel more like my "on stage" self; the girl who wasn't so afraid of what people thought.