#9 Clothes & #10- Bathing Suit

Looking back on my list, reasons 9 and 10 feel a little frivolous now, but I recognize that the things that seem silly today were pretty devastating a year and a half ago...

#9- Clothes
I had avoided shopping for a long time because I felt like it was impossible to find clothes that fit me properly.  I got so tired of putting on clothes and feeling like nothing looked right.  Two summers ago, I needed an outfit for a job interview, so my mom took me shopping.  I had in my mind that I wanted a dressy suit, but none of them fit well.  I can't tell you how many outfits I tried on that day!  It was horrible.  When I had to pull size 12s and even a size 14 off the rack, it felt like a smack in the face.  I had been getting pretty snug in my size 10s but had made myself believe it wasn't that bad.  So, we bought the size 14 pants, but I knew I had to do something about my weight.

 #10- Bathing Suit-
Around the same time as the "pants fiasco", Ryan and I were planning to attend a pool party.  I needed a new bathing suit because, in disgust, I had thrown out all of my two piece suits from my honeymoon, resigning to the thought that I would never fit in them again.  So,  Ryan was sweet enough to go shopping with me and we found what I thought was a very cute black and white polka dot tankini.  The bottom looked like a little skirt and covered up everything that needed to be covered.  We got to the party and I was feeling OK about my new bathing suit, until an older, heavy woman came into the pool...she had the EXACT same style of bathing suit on as I did.  I felt so embarrassed, I just wanted to disappear. I was only 23 years old and I was wearing an "old lady" bathing suit.  A few weeks later, I made the choice to join weight watchers.

I was never one of those girls that was super stylish or into fashion.  Even though I spent most of my teenage years in jeans, moccasins and weird T-shirts from Goodwill, I do like clothes and how good it feels to wear a new outfit.  I had gone a long time without feeling good in my clothes because I was just trying to cover everything up!  It felt really good when I was able to buy jeans that were a size 8!  The day I bought a size 6 felt even better.  Not just because it was a smaller size, but because I knew all of the ridiculously hard work I had put into fitting into that size 6.  It's not really about the bathing suit, or the clothing, but I joined weight watchers, in part, because I was tired of those bad feelings.  I wanted to try on clothes and have it be fun again...and it is!

#8- Ryan

May 2011

Our Wedding Day- 01.04.08

To say that Ryan has been supportive during the 14 months of this weight watchers journey (and before that) would be an incredible understatement.  Ryan has always been my advocate, even when I was at my heaviest.  I felt so bad about myself that I had a difficult time believing Ryan when he would tell me how beautiful I was, but he never stopped telling me.  I knew that my weight gain was negatively affecting how I felt about myself, and therefore, negatively affecting my marriage.  Ryan and I committed from the time we were engaged that we would always be willing to do the work of making our marriage strong.  I knew that getting healthy was part of the work that I had to do. 

So, when I wanted to join weight watchers, Ryan supported me.  Not only did Ryan help me make changes in my life, but he made those changes with me.  Ryan ate the same foods I did, joined the gym with me and even lost weight along the way as well. When I would have a victory on the scale, Ryan celebrated with me.  If I was having a difficult week, Ryan would remind me that it was about changing our lives and becoming healthy people, not about the numbers on the scale.  Ryan listens when I tell him what I learn about food or about myself from weight watchers meetings, he listens and responds when I ask him for help to meet my goals.  When I tell him that I am having "food issues" that day, he is sensitive and helpful.  Ryan never judged me for gaining weight, or for how difficult it has been for me to lose the weight, and he doesn't judge me now when I am struggling to maintain my goal weight.  I know that Ryan makes a deliberate effort to help, support and encourage me through this process and everything I go through.  Thank you, Ryan, for going on this journey with me and being so fantastic!