Baby Bump

Hey Everyone!

Whoa, I am such a bad blogger!  It's been a long time...

So, I'm PREGNANT!  Yaaay!

I wanted to start blogging again to keep myself accountable to TRYING to be healthy.  A few of my friends in the social media world (Jess Smith is ah-mazing) have really inspired me, so I thought, "Why not?"

Here's where I started having an issue...during my first trimester I.WAS.STARVING.ALL.THE.TIME!  So, I ate whatever I wanted!  Bad idea.  I've gained a lot of weight already and waaaay more than all my little pregnancy apps tell me I should have gained by now.  They pop up on my phone saying, "you may have gained 10-12 pounds by now" and I just wish I could punch it in the face.  

So, friends I hope you can help me stay motivated to eat right and exercise even through pregnancy.  I need to figure it out now so that I can keep going and be a healthy mama to little Finnigan.  I want to raise him in an environment where movement and healthy foods are the norm.

Here are my victories for today (even though it's still early)-I got my butt out of bed and walked 3 miles this morning!  I love that Leslie Sansone.  Even if I did only get out of bed because I couldn't sleep anyway...it's a good start!  I had oatmeal, strawberries and tea for breakfast and I have lots of healthy food packed for the week.

The goal is:

1.To walk at least 4 times (including today) between now and next Tuesday.

2. To track ALL my food in the myfitnesspal app on my phone.

Check back to make sure I'm making my goals!

#11- Relationships

So...I was so excited about #12 that I skipped right past #11-Relationships.

Many of the items on this list have already touched on the important relationships in my life:

I wanted to lose weight because of my relationship with my family.  I joined weight watchers with my mom and it has really encouraged a new-found health and balance in the lives of my family.

I wanted to lose weight because of my relationship with Ryan.  I had started to feel so bad about myself (my appearance, my weight, my lack of self-control) that it was effecting my marriage.  Losing weight and exercising gave me a new-found sense of accomplishment and empowerment.

I wanted to lose weight because I wanted to be a good and healthy role model for my students.  I was never an athlete, but I wanted to show my students that they can still live healthy, active lives even after high school sports end.  Or, if they are music geeks like me, they can still find ways to exercise that are fun for them.  So, I tell my students that I go to the gym; that I go to Jazzercise and Zumba and Bodystep.  I never had a role model telling me that it was good to exercise!

When I was overweight, every relationship I had was negatively effected because of how bad I felt about myself. I joined weight watchers because I wanted to have positive relationships with those I cared about.

#12- Food

Wow.  Where to begin about food?

Well, one of the reasons I joined weight watchers was because I had an unhealthy relationship with food.  I LOVED food.  I loved everything about how good it felt to bite into that delicious bit of something you've been craving (like anything with the name "Reese's" on it, especially those yummy little Christmas trees...mmmm....).  I loved the smells, tastes and textures of food. 

While I loved food, I was not in control of it; food controlled me in a very significant way.  I was always thinking about food (Taco Bell).  I would obsess over certain foods (double decker taco supreme) and if I didn't get what I wanted (nacho cheese chalupa), I would fall apart (throw a fit like a toddler).  If I had the opportunity to eat something that I loved, eating just a little of it and REALLY enjoying it was not an option.  I would often get stuck in a food-guilt catch-22: I would realize I was overeating, but then I would feel bad, so I'd eat some more.  I had a lot of "trigger foods", or foods that once I ate them, I couldn't stop, like pasta and bread, anything cheesy, fried or fattening, candy, chocolate, peanut butter, chocolate AND peanut butter...you get the idea.  In fact, I think most of what I ate were "trigger foods", which made almost all of my food habits unhealthy.  Looking back, I ate a lot of empty calories, so I barely ever felt full or satisfied (physically or emotionally) by what I was eating. 

I ate through every emotion...sadness, loneliness, anger, happiness.  You name it, I would eat because of it.  I came to a point, right before I joined weight watchers that I wasn't even really enjoying my food anymore because I felt so out of control and so bad about how much I would eat.  I didn't want to have a complicated, love/hate relationship with food anymore.  It was so draining, and I was tired of it.

A big part of what I have learned through weight watchers is how to still enjoy food without overdoing it.  Still eating my favorite foods, but planning to balance those times out with healthy foods and exercise has been really life changing.  My life had no balance before weight watchers. Learning this balance, although a very difficult change, has been empowering.  I learned, through using the points and pointplus system how to balance out the good foods and the foods that are indulgences.  I still slip up...like, all the time, but I am continuing to learn and trying not to be so hard on myself for my mistakes.  I know now that if someone suggests we order Chinese food, I just have to say, "I'm sorry, I really try not to eat Chinese food (because I will end up face down in a bucket of sweet and sour chicken)."  I try to always be ready with a list of suggestions of where to eat/what to eat that will be helpful to me.  Asking for help and learning to control my environment have been two important elements I have learned from weight watchers.

Jillian Michaels said, "Old habits die hard...but they do die."  I am still working out my old habits and working in new ones.  When I feel discouraged, Ryan often reminds me to look back one year and think about how much I have improved and changed.  I think food will always be a struggle, but I am looking forward to rebuilding a healthier relationship with it, one choice at a time.

#9 Clothes & #10- Bathing Suit

Looking back on my list, reasons 9 and 10 feel a little frivolous now, but I recognize that the things that seem silly today were pretty devastating a year and a half ago...

#9- Clothes
I had avoided shopping for a long time because I felt like it was impossible to find clothes that fit me properly.  I got so tired of putting on clothes and feeling like nothing looked right.  Two summers ago, I needed an outfit for a job interview, so my mom took me shopping.  I had in my mind that I wanted a dressy suit, but none of them fit well.  I can't tell you how many outfits I tried on that day!  It was horrible.  When I had to pull size 12s and even a size 14 off the rack, it felt like a smack in the face.  I had been getting pretty snug in my size 10s but had made myself believe it wasn't that bad.  So, we bought the size 14 pants, but I knew I had to do something about my weight.

 #10- Bathing Suit-
Around the same time as the "pants fiasco", Ryan and I were planning to attend a pool party.  I needed a new bathing suit because, in disgust, I had thrown out all of my two piece suits from my honeymoon, resigning to the thought that I would never fit in them again.  So,  Ryan was sweet enough to go shopping with me and we found what I thought was a very cute black and white polka dot tankini.  The bottom looked like a little skirt and covered up everything that needed to be covered.  We got to the party and I was feeling OK about my new bathing suit, until an older, heavy woman came into the pool...she had the EXACT same style of bathing suit on as I did.  I felt so embarrassed, I just wanted to disappear. I was only 23 years old and I was wearing an "old lady" bathing suit.  A few weeks later, I made the choice to join weight watchers.

I was never one of those girls that was super stylish or into fashion.  Even though I spent most of my teenage years in jeans, moccasins and weird T-shirts from Goodwill, I do like clothes and how good it feels to wear a new outfit.  I had gone a long time without feeling good in my clothes because I was just trying to cover everything up!  It felt really good when I was able to buy jeans that were a size 8!  The day I bought a size 6 felt even better.  Not just because it was a smaller size, but because I knew all of the ridiculously hard work I had put into fitting into that size 6.  It's not really about the bathing suit, or the clothing, but I joined weight watchers, in part, because I was tired of those bad feelings.  I wanted to try on clothes and have it be fun again...and it is!

#8- Ryan

May 2011

Our Wedding Day- 01.04.08

To say that Ryan has been supportive during the 14 months of this weight watchers journey (and before that) would be an incredible understatement.  Ryan has always been my advocate, even when I was at my heaviest.  I felt so bad about myself that I had a difficult time believing Ryan when he would tell me how beautiful I was, but he never stopped telling me.  I knew that my weight gain was negatively affecting how I felt about myself, and therefore, negatively affecting my marriage.  Ryan and I committed from the time we were engaged that we would always be willing to do the work of making our marriage strong.  I knew that getting healthy was part of the work that I had to do. 

So, when I wanted to join weight watchers, Ryan supported me.  Not only did Ryan help me make changes in my life, but he made those changes with me.  Ryan ate the same foods I did, joined the gym with me and even lost weight along the way as well. When I would have a victory on the scale, Ryan celebrated with me.  If I was having a difficult week, Ryan would remind me that it was about changing our lives and becoming healthy people, not about the numbers on the scale.  Ryan listens when I tell him what I learn about food or about myself from weight watchers meetings, he listens and responds when I ask him for help to meet my goals.  When I tell him that I am having "food issues" that day, he is sensitive and helpful.  Ryan never judged me for gaining weight, or for how difficult it has been for me to lose the weight, and he doesn't judge me now when I am struggling to maintain my goal weight.  I know that Ryan makes a deliberate effort to help, support and encourage me through this process and everything I go through.  Thank you, Ryan, for going on this journey with me and being so fantastic! 

#7- My Family

Writing about my family is something I have been a little hesitant about, as it is a deeply personal topic.  I love my family and have received an outpouring of encouragement and support from both my immediate and extended family regarding my weight loss.  I certainly don't want the relaying of my feelings in this, or any post, to be confused with placing blame.  With that said...

My earliest memory of hearing about weight loss was when I was about 9 years old...all of my aunts and my mom got into a circle, held hands and said, "Ten pounds by Christmas!"  As a young child, I was very confused, so I asked, "What does that mean?" It was explained to me that they were all committing to lose ten pounds by Christmas (I think this happened around Halloween).  I had never thought about losing weight.  I wondered why all my aunts and my mom would want to lose weight.  I never thought that they should look any different, I thought they were beautiful.  This was the first time I realized that the most influential women in my life were unhappy with their bodies, which led me to reason that I should be unhappy with mine.

I spent the rest of my adolescence quietly struggling with body issues (or at least I think it was quietly, maybe it was obvious, who knows...).  I never wanted my family to know how unhappy I was with my weight or my body because I didn't want to disappoint them.  I was continuously unhappy with myself until I joined weight watchers.  So, from age 9 to 24, I was fraught with anxiety about my body, my weight and my appearance.  That's a long time...

Choosing to join weight watchers was not really a singular decision.  It was a commitment to attend weekly meetings, track food, think about what I was putting in my mouth and why.  This led to the choice of joining a gym, a very expensive monthly commitment to physical activity.  I knew that losing weight was going to take up a lot of my time, my energy and my money.  I think the reality of all the sacrifices it takes is what keeps people from losing weight.  There were so many excuses that I had to not lose weight- we didn't have the money to buy healthy foods, or to pay for a program like weight watchers, or a gym membership; I didn't have the time to go to a meeting every week or go to the gym, I had never been athletic, I couldn't do it.

Facing those excuses and realizing that I didn't want them to keep me from my goals any longer was an important step towards success.  Finding support to keep me striving for my goals, even when it got difficult, was another.  This is where my mom came in...

My family at our wedding in January 2008

Family portrait on my parents' 40th anniversary- May 2011

My mom and I have a very close relationship.  I call her often and confide in her, I know she (and my dad) loves me.  Plus, she laughs at my jokes, which is the key to success in all my relationships :).  After thinking about weight watchers and seeing commercials that joining was free, I called my mom.  She had been thinking about joining too.  When I asked her to join with me, because I was scared to do it alone, she said "yes", and it changed our lives.  Mom and I not only made choices that changed us for the better, but we had the opportunity to see my dad and my husband, Ryan, lose weight and begin to make smarter choices along the way as well!  A few of my extended family members re-joined weight watchers when my mom and I started.  There were many positive effects in our family.

Having learned so much about myself and about how to manage a "livable" healthy, active lifestyle through this journey, I look forward to getting to teach my future family these lessons.  I hope that my children will find a healthy lifestyle to be second nature because they will watch Ryan and I make good choices and have balance. 

Honestly, I am also scared.  I'm terrified that someday, maybe after having children, I will find refuge in sweet and sour chicken and ice cream, or take solace in easy foods, fast foods, take out and excuses to not exercise.  The idea that all the work I have done could slip away so easily often feels like it is sitting on my shoulder.  So, with the help of my family, I will continue to take this new life one day and one choice at a time.  Hopefully, our family will continue to reap the rewards.

#6- For my students

One year ago, on September 7, 2010, I joined weight watchers.  That same day was also my first day at a new school, teaching music to students in grades 6-12.  I had been a substitute teacher for a year and a half.  While I valued that time because I learned a lot, my heart was aching for a school "home".  Going to the same building every day, at the same time, teaching the same students...I longed for stability.

When I received a job offer, I was ecstatic! I had been waiting for a full time position for so long, and I was thankful to be able to plan for what the next year would hold.  I began thinking about the person I wanted to start this new school year as.  I had a rare chance at a clean slate. 

I wondered about the students I would be teaching.  What would they be like?  Would they like me?  Would they like music?  How would they react to the changes I might make? 

I knew I wanted to be a person in their lives that they could respect; I wanted to be a good role model for them.  I knew that I couldn't continue to live my life as an inactive, heavy person.  I wanted to be a healthy, active, positive example for my students.

So, before I had even met them, I knew I had to change if I was going to be the person I wanted to be for my students.  September 7, 2010 was the beginning of that change. 

Over one year later, I look back, and I am so glad that I made that choice.  I can move the piano in my classroom around, I can run back and forth between the stage at school and my office, I can go up and down the stairs as many times as I need to in a day to track down students for lessons.  I am not hindered by my activity level.  I have the energy I need for my students because I am a healthier person.  I am constantly striving to maintain and improve my weight loss journey as well my abilities and strategies as a teacher.  My students were a driving motivation to make positive change in my life.